Well Now I am 20

Well, I am 20 now. I haven't posted for Months. For a number of reason's I guess.

Well, what has changed. Um not a lot really, I will be the first to say that.

I guess I should explain more, I will add more to my life as I go on. I was born in Hackney in 1987. I don't know who my Dad is, except his name is Terry. I will stop there for now, because that is one thing that is getting me down. I don't know who he is. I don't have my Mum around because she died when I was younger, and she didn't tell me. I have looked in the mirror alot recently and tried to pick out features that were like my Mum, and some that were like my Dad (I have one picture of him) but It's too hard. That makes me feel down, not knowing who I am.

It's more then that though, I don't even think I know who I really am, at all. There are two Me's. On is called Jon, he's been through a load of rubbish and traumas (and of course happiness too) and the other is Jonny. He was supposed to be happy and care free, but I think some of Jon got into Jonny. I sound like I have multiple personality disorder, but I don't.

I was bullied alot my self esteem was really affected. It's frustrating that it still affects me, but when I went to Uni, I created Jonny so I did feel like a new person. I changed my hair, my style and even my name.

It worked for a while because everything was new, but then it all carried on.

I ended up leaving Uni, which is the BIGGEST regret with regards to my education. I LOVED the stimulation I got learning, meeting people interested in the same subject, the group chats which I liked to add to. Now, I wouldn't dream of it. It's like I am a shadow. There, but not actually a person. If that makes sense.

I loved Brighton, it was so vibrant, you could explore it for years and still not find everything. My friends, especially Glenn. He was and still is a sort of fair weather friend so to speak, but deep down he does care, at least I think so.

I am good at helping other people, but not good at being helped. I wish I was helped though. I feel so lonely, I can't talk to anyone, and if I do, I feel they don't understand. The one person I thought knew me better then anyone else doesn't care anymore, which is a bit of a common theme in my life I can tell you. I think I am this complex box of issues and problems, open it, and its like Pandoras Box. I wish people wouldn't open it and then close it again...because each time I feel lulled into a sense of security, safety and love, like this time it will actually happen, I will be able to tell people everything, and it will be alright.

I know that won't happen now. I have given up on that. After 20 years, you kind of realise, it ain't gonna happen! I won't lie, I do wish this person would love me like he used to, would fill me up when I felt empty, would yearn to hold me, kiss me, make love to me. It doesn't happen, and it breaks my heart.

I should explain why. In the begininng it was blissful, the most amazing experience of my life. I was at my lowest ebb, suicidal, and I mean seriously. Recently, I have thought about it, but never gone as far as I did then, researching, asking people, all sorts. But yes, back then, I was VERY low. By a twist of fate, I met Chris on a night out, he was really adorable, cute and intelligent. I loved that, he was interested in me, and educated me on all sorts, fetus in fetu, chimeras, all sorts of funny things.

I wasn't all that confident then, but more so then I am now, Anyway, I got a Job in a place I loathed, it was my worst nightmare, but the indepedance was a goal. I was earning my own money. I was independant, and I was happy with Chris.

But, like most things, there was a dark cloud. He was going to Puerto Rico for three months, I didn;t think I would see him. Throughout the early days I had been terrified of him leaving me or wanting sex and then going. Anyway, it turned out, he wasn't like that.

He helped me when I was almsot homeless, giving me money to pay the rent. He bought be roses, the first person ever too. And lovely cards, with gorgeous messages. I have the messages still. I wont EVER throw them away because I might not ever get that again.

Anyway, after a few weeks, he came to visit me, and then in the middle of the night a few weeks after, I packed my bags in silence (to not alert housemates) and the next morning he came and whisked me away to Puerto Rico. He had flown all the way around the world for me.

In PR we shopped, and had fun, and visited places. I was too scared to go out though. That was the begininng of my fear of going out.

But, we came back to the UK, got a flat in a nice village. I hated it at first, really hated the village. Compared to Brighton, it was dead. But I loved it in time, its very pretty, quaint etc.

Anyway, Chris said I could have time to get better and find a job. FINALLY Someone who was investing in me because he loved me. And I DON'T mean financially, I mean emotionally.

Anyway, He asked me to write down the things I wanted t oachieve, and I did. The first time, he lost the list. The second, he looked at. Nothing happened though.

I grew really impatient with myself, and increasingly depressed and lonely. I started getting more and more isolated and involved with the internet and msn because at least I was TALKING to someone, and actually chatting and being talked to. It was such a relief.

My temper also got worse though, frustration and anger at myself, disgust. I was thinking more and more about the past, and about what had happend, and I grew to really hate myself. Chris and I would fight. One time, I scratched all the skin of my right arm, cut my legs, hit my head loads, all sorts. The pain helped me. I HATED the fighting. I really did. I still do.

I don't know why we fight. Its awful, really awful.

Anyway, one day, this guy messages me, called Mikey, saying something like "Hey Cutey" etc. He wasn;t good looking, not at all, but I was bored and we started chatting on MSN. We became good msn chat friends, talking about our past, which was similar. I still didn't fancy him though, but it was nice chatting. Eventually though, things changed and we started to like each other. I think it was because of the similarities, I don't know though...

He was alot more interested in me, and no, he didn;t know about Chris. It was escapism for me, sheer escapism. I didn't feel loved or like I even existed, the fighting was bad.

We ended up arranging to meet, and I pretended to go and see my Sister. Well actually, I had planned to stay at hers and meet him once or twice, but nothing like that.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we met and ended up going out. Chris and I broke up, he slept with this other guy. That hurt me, but I can;t imagine how it hurt him, all of this.

I would go up to Nottingham for weeks at a time, Chris driving me. It was horrible. I was so unhappy, and I knew Chris was, and I was jus tescaping. Mikey wasn't a sexual person, to a certain extent I would of said he was emotionally gay and physically straight.

I told myself time and time again, end it, but Mikey would cry, say his Mum and left him, and I saw myself in someone, and knew what it felt like.

We went on holiday to Canary Islands and he treated me like shit. Once, I sent a text message by mistake to him, meant for chris, saying I loved him and wanted to come home, and Mikey beat me up.

Chris drove all through the night to get me.

Eventually, I ended it with Mikey, THANK God. It does turn my stomach now, all of it, Him, everything.

Most of all, hurting Chris, I know it sounds weird, but I did to him what I most feared happening to me.

Anyway, we got back together.

I honestly felt we were meant to be together...I still do, or I did. Its hard to work out.

I was put on anti depressants, and promised counselling. I haven;t had it.

Chris is at the end of his tether with me, I think thats it now. I am so scared, terrified of loosing him.

I am scared of going outside, I talk to NOONE except on MSN...I have no friends.

I made an account on this website, because I wanted SOME sort of attention, anything. Anything it better then nothing. It made me feel even worse. I deleted it now anyways.

I even did things like make youtube videos as this character, just to get some kind of attention. That makes me feel really pathetic.

I talk to people alot of MSN, its nice in a way as they do become like online friends. I have a few I talk to alot, Kynon, Debs, Lucy.

Chris is angry at me because he thinks I am seeing a guy called David, like how it started with Mikey. Hes gone through my accounts and things. That hurts, I know he doesn;t trust me...don't blame him, but I feel exposed all the time, no privacy or anything.

Hes gone through my phone bills, and texted or called David, and things I am texting late at night and when I first wake up. Thats riubbish. David works nights and thats why he is on MSN in teh day, same time as me. Thats how we got chatting, because no one is on my msn in the day! Its always in the evenings.

Anyway, he texts people when hes at work, and I texted him a few times, this was only over a week or something. And I reply to him in the morning if he texts at night while hes working ,thats IT. Its frustrating because I can;t have friends, I know if I made a friend on the net, I couldnt meet them.

Its like this guy Russell, he lives up the road, there is nothing between us, but we chat cos he works in the day and goes on msn. I could be friends with him, but it wont ever happen.

I have done wreong things, alot. I made an online account, and put rude things, so I could get more attention. BUT all I got was old men and weirdos.

Like I said, I don't even feel Im part of this thing called life, I really dont.

I feel like I have been thrown out of the loop, its horrible.

Anyway, today was a bad day. I wanted to dump some of this stuff thats all in my head.

God knows what is going to happen later, I am scared of when Chris comes back, He has changed so much, he really has. I know hes had enough of me.

I WISH he still loved him, would just come up and put his arms around me, kiss me on the lips and say "I love you".

I guess this is all my own doing. I don't know. I feel like he did help create who I am now. Im scared to go out, scared to meet people. I went to the shop Friday without my comfort jacket and phone, and walked ito town, and THAT was an achievement for me...how pathetic.

I wish you were a real person...so you could give some kind of opinion. Nevermind.

I am going to try and keep my head above water. I have my tablets. I am going to try and do some self therapy somehow. Who knows. I know I can't go on like this, coping like this, because its not working.

Sometimes I wish the ground would open and swallow me up and I just disappear. Today is one of those days, but so is everyday for the past year or so.

I feel so lonely. Really lonely. I just wanna be happy, is that so hard? I want Chris' love and help, and support. Thats all I want. No money, just love, support, and cuddles. Then I won;t need anything else. I WANT to make friends, I NEED to.

I guess I should go. I have cried for ages and I am exhausted. I am going to have a lie down.

Bye xxx