Political Correctness Gone MAD!

Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiktJ6w0uAs
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
Thats it
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
thats really not funny at all
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
and its kinda racist
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
gay white boy girl acting like a black woman
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:

Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMQ5QWmyuB4
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
"I need a Maxi Pad"
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
dont send me anymore please
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
i dont like it
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
cant believe u can laugh at that yet call the post man pat racist
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
Its not racist though?
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
Have u ever asked a black person if it is or not?
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
cos i can tell you right now.... i am offended
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
I dont think its racist, its called acting, hes being a character
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
No, he's being a racist..
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
stereotypically insinuating that black people act like this
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
and how u can call the black facial makeup not racist is beyound me
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
He isnt insinuating black people act likeanything?
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
he does loads of different characters
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
and putting black make up on doesnt make him racist
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
to be honest do care
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
but i dont like the two i have seen
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
You obviously have to educate yourself further on racial topics before telling someone what is and isnt racist
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
especially someone of a different colour to yourself
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
Oh dont patronise me
SiR JaY "To Capture Humanity and Emotion through a Lense is The Beauty" ---The Conqest for thy next Land of Honey begins ! says:
im not patronising you, infact you are patronzing me
Jonny I want an all time love, to find me... says:
PC gone crazy

A Record

Jonny says:
Can you please not send e-mails out regarding Chris and my relationship please?
Lucy says:
Can you please tell Chris i never, and dont intend too, post messages about you and him on my forum. And it takes two to tango.
Jonny says:
Tangoing has nothing to do with this. You posted an e-mail to people in which you say you observed our relationship and it's like Father and Son. Chris has done nothing to you, and you don't have any right to comment on him.

You have just sent a nudge.

Lucy says:
Oh Jonny, i never came on msn to talk about this horse shit.
Jonny says:
It's NOT horse shit, you are publically blasting me via email
Jonny says:
and I am asking you to stop
Lucy says:
Yes i said yours and Chris' relationship is like father and son.....however you misunderstood what i meant by that and stretched my words to saying he's a pervert being with you.
Jonny says:
I do not need this negativity in my life, it's childish
Lucy says:
Which i DID NOT SAY
Jonny says:
You alluding to it, and you know it.
Lucy says:
I meant; he treats you more like a son than he does as a partner.
Jonny says:
The same as you alluded to the fact Im a tranny hater
Lucy says:
I never meant because he's too old
Jonny says:
It's not your business, or your place to comment. Its hurtful to Chris, and it;s really not your business is it?
Jonny says:
it has nothing to do with our falling out, and neither do these other people, so please, stop this silly game
Lucy says:
oh ok Jonny - it's all my fault....your innocent and im all bad....yes.... ok. Fine.
Lucy says:
Now stop talking shit
Jonny says:
I am not innocent, I am asking you to stop this
Jonny says:
Look at how your talking to me, I have spoken to you nothing but nicely, despite the fact you have caused a whole lot of trouble and tried to character assasinate me
Lucy says:
Mainly because i have read some of the emails you have sent out about me - and its all makeup crap or you have taken it all the wrong way...
Lucy says:
madeup*
Jonny says:
None of it is made up Lucy, and you know it.
Jonny says:
And you sent out the emails FIRST remember, I have a right to defend myself against this garbage
Jonny says:
I have emailed no one until I got the email from you
Lucy says:
Oh so i called you an idiot for crying about your mum?
Lucy says:
no
Jonny says:
Yes you did!
Jonny says:
You said oh stop being an idiot
Lucy says:
NO i never! wtf
Lucy says:
no i never
Jonny says:
Because I said I was down
Jonny says:
I am not arguing with you Lucy
Lucy says:
omg why are you saying this?
Jonny says:
I never said that in an email anyway!
Jonny says:
What are you on about?
Lucy says:
i never said that at all - i never would to ANYONE crying over someone whos passed away
Jonny says:
What emauil?
Jonny says:
I am checking
Lucy says:
you did jonny....it just wasn't sent to me
Jonny says:
What email
Jonny says:
Seriously
Jonny says:
Because this is getting twisted now...who the fuck is doing this
Lucy says:
Im not saying; the fact is you did say it and I NEVER.
Jonny says:
The only person I have emailed is Ed. He is clearly a shit stirrer because he has blocked me.
Jonny says:
So he is clearly trying to shit stir
Jonny says:
I will NOT get involved in this shit
Jonny says:
How fuycking DARE you bring my mother upo
Jonny says:
HOW DARE you start all this fuckiong shit
Jonny says:
and HOW DARE ed go on liek this
Jonny says:
You slag him off al lthe time for being desperate and weird
Jonny says:
and inviting you on holiday
Lucy says:
Eds not even online
Jonny says:
and that comment about his son liking a pic
Jonny says:
and how fat he is
Jonny says:
so seriously, your a complete liar
Lucy says:
oh fuck off
Jonny says:
I have just text Ed to sk why he is stirring
Jonny says:
and you did say that,
Jonny says:
I said I feel really down
Jonny says:
and you said Im being an idiot
Jonny says:
and THEN we started talking about me going to colelge and you said its stupid
Jonny says:
Please, don't involve me in this anymore. Ive had enough. I really have. Cut this crap Lucy.

Trouble

The trouble with Friendships is, they can end, and when they do...the "Friend" has the ability to use knowledge they have of you, to their advantage.

My so called "Friend" has publically blasted my Relationship and basically, called my Boyfriend a Paedophile. I am the child, and he is the Father. I am nothing short of Disgusted.

They have also involved a number of innocent people, who have nothing whatsoever to do with the end of our Friendship.

This boils down to the fact this person has no social life in their home town, and this is their only way of excitement. Destroying other people.

My partner is very upset by this, I mean really upset. I can tell he is. He doesn't need reminding of the age difference, he doesn't need to feel like that at all. He is a good man, far too good for me, and no one has any right to call him that.

Insult me by all means, but not him. He has done nothing to this so called Friend.

I was also shocked by this persons ability to mask the Truth. The Truth, as I said before, will always out. It has a way of doing it.

This person claims to be whiter then white. Im sorry, but I lived with them, I know they are not.

I have had to listen endlessly to this persons complaints about everything and anything. Its tiring.

I DON'T need this in my life. This person is hooked up on some kind of mission to self destroy everything, Friendships, Families, everything.

Its wrong.

I should have stepped away from this person a long time ago.

I didn't, and thats my fault.

Do I think we will make friends again. I doubt it. I really do. This person must apologise first.

I thought we had a good friendship, obviously not. Thats disheartening. It really is.

I was there for this person, but where were they?

So what...I really don't need them. They have no experience of the world. Two years spent in one room, on the computer...they don't know the world.

Even when they were hear, thats all they did...computer. Morning, noon and night.

From waking up at like 2 in the afternoon, sometimes later, until going to bed at about 6 in the morning or there abouts. Its unhealthy.

I DO care about this person, I DO worry, but Its not my place to.

I will update on this later, I am sure its going to get even more messy.

The Truth Will Out

Well, I said my piece. Do I feel better for it? Not really.

Everyone says things in the heat of the moment, and EVERYONE no matter what people say, says things behind each others backs. Its Human Nature!

I have this silly habit of listening, and saying Hmmm and Yeah and stuff, and end up getting drawn into Something. I wish I could look, but not see, and listen, but not hear.

I have tried to see it from the other persons perspective, many times of the 2 and a half years. I can't see it now, I can see it in a way, but It's not my place to say.

This person said they don't talk to me, because if they did, they would give me advice I wouldn't want to hear. Im sorry, but thats rubbish. I have NO family, except one sister. I listen to friends advice like I would listen to a Mothers.

Thats my problem, I need to listen to my OWN advice. I need REAL friends, not someone that takes and doesn't give.

Life, and friendships, are GIVE and THEN take, hence the saying, it's give and take.

A good friend, someone who I met thanks to this persons decision to go on National TV, said something to me. "She needs a reality check".

Damn right. Face up to things, DEAL with them. That's what I need to do, that's what I am gonna do.

I won't fool myself with lies, deception and masking the truth.

Get real, or get lost.

Feeling Positive

I woke up today in a really positive mood. I did all the Housework, Washing, Had a shave, a shower and brushed my Teeth. When I was done, I looked around and surveyed my handy work...feeling very proud of myself.

These things to me are no small achievement. Getting up is bloody hard, especially with this depression.

Well anyway, I did get up...I felt really great about myself...I sat and had a cup of tea, and just relaxed after.

Thats when the REAL stress started...

Jam on Toast

Jam on Toast can make you feel better if your down. Try it! Seriously, it does work.

Well for about a half hour! x

Well Now I am 20

Well, I am 20 now. I haven't posted for Months. For a number of reason's I guess.

Well, what has changed. Um not a lot really, I will be the first to say that.

I guess I should explain more, I will add more to my life as I go on. I was born in Hackney in 1987. I don't know who my Dad is, except his name is Terry. I will stop there for now, because that is one thing that is getting me down. I don't know who he is. I don't have my Mum around because she died when I was younger, and she didn't tell me. I have looked in the mirror alot recently and tried to pick out features that were like my Mum, and some that were like my Dad (I have one picture of him) but It's too hard. That makes me feel down, not knowing who I am.

It's more then that though, I don't even think I know who I really am, at all. There are two Me's. On is called Jon, he's been through a load of rubbish and traumas (and of course happiness too) and the other is Jonny. He was supposed to be happy and care free, but I think some of Jon got into Jonny. I sound like I have multiple personality disorder, but I don't.

I was bullied alot my self esteem was really affected. It's frustrating that it still affects me, but when I went to Uni, I created Jonny so I did feel like a new person. I changed my hair, my style and even my name.

It worked for a while because everything was new, but then it all carried on.

I ended up leaving Uni, which is the BIGGEST regret with regards to my education. I LOVED the stimulation I got learning, meeting people interested in the same subject, the group chats which I liked to add to. Now, I wouldn't dream of it. It's like I am a shadow. There, but not actually a person. If that makes sense.

I loved Brighton, it was so vibrant, you could explore it for years and still not find everything. My friends, especially Glenn. He was and still is a sort of fair weather friend so to speak, but deep down he does care, at least I think so.

I am good at helping other people, but not good at being helped. I wish I was helped though. I feel so lonely, I can't talk to anyone, and if I do, I feel they don't understand. The one person I thought knew me better then anyone else doesn't care anymore, which is a bit of a common theme in my life I can tell you. I think I am this complex box of issues and problems, open it, and its like Pandoras Box. I wish people wouldn't open it and then close it again...because each time I feel lulled into a sense of security, safety and love, like this time it will actually happen, I will be able to tell people everything, and it will be alright.

I know that won't happen now. I have given up on that. After 20 years, you kind of realise, it ain't gonna happen! I won't lie, I do wish this person would love me like he used to, would fill me up when I felt empty, would yearn to hold me, kiss me, make love to me. It doesn't happen, and it breaks my heart.

I should explain why. In the begininng it was blissful, the most amazing experience of my life. I was at my lowest ebb, suicidal, and I mean seriously. Recently, I have thought about it, but never gone as far as I did then, researching, asking people, all sorts. But yes, back then, I was VERY low. By a twist of fate, I met Chris on a night out, he was really adorable, cute and intelligent. I loved that, he was interested in me, and educated me on all sorts, fetus in fetu, chimeras, all sorts of funny things.

I wasn't all that confident then, but more so then I am now, Anyway, I got a Job in a place I loathed, it was my worst nightmare, but the indepedance was a goal. I was earning my own money. I was independant, and I was happy with Chris.

But, like most things, there was a dark cloud. He was going to Puerto Rico for three months, I didn;t think I would see him. Throughout the early days I had been terrified of him leaving me or wanting sex and then going. Anyway, it turned out, he wasn't like that.

He helped me when I was almsot homeless, giving me money to pay the rent. He bought be roses, the first person ever too. And lovely cards, with gorgeous messages. I have the messages still. I wont EVER throw them away because I might not ever get that again.

Anyway, after a few weeks, he came to visit me, and then in the middle of the night a few weeks after, I packed my bags in silence (to not alert housemates) and the next morning he came and whisked me away to Puerto Rico. He had flown all the way around the world for me.

In PR we shopped, and had fun, and visited places. I was too scared to go out though. That was the begininng of my fear of going out.

But, we came back to the UK, got a flat in a nice village. I hated it at first, really hated the village. Compared to Brighton, it was dead. But I loved it in time, its very pretty, quaint etc.

Anyway, Chris said I could have time to get better and find a job. FINALLY Someone who was investing in me because he loved me. And I DON'T mean financially, I mean emotionally.

Anyway, He asked me to write down the things I wanted t oachieve, and I did. The first time, he lost the list. The second, he looked at. Nothing happened though.

I grew really impatient with myself, and increasingly depressed and lonely. I started getting more and more isolated and involved with the internet and msn because at least I was TALKING to someone, and actually chatting and being talked to. It was such a relief.

My temper also got worse though, frustration and anger at myself, disgust. I was thinking more and more about the past, and about what had happend, and I grew to really hate myself. Chris and I would fight. One time, I scratched all the skin of my right arm, cut my legs, hit my head loads, all sorts. The pain helped me. I HATED the fighting. I really did. I still do.

I don't know why we fight. Its awful, really awful.

Anyway, one day, this guy messages me, called Mikey, saying something like "Hey Cutey" etc. He wasn;t good looking, not at all, but I was bored and we started chatting on MSN. We became good msn chat friends, talking about our past, which was similar. I still didn't fancy him though, but it was nice chatting. Eventually though, things changed and we started to like each other. I think it was because of the similarities, I don't know though...

He was alot more interested in me, and no, he didn;t know about Chris. It was escapism for me, sheer escapism. I didn't feel loved or like I even existed, the fighting was bad.

We ended up arranging to meet, and I pretended to go and see my Sister. Well actually, I had planned to stay at hers and meet him once or twice, but nothing like that.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we met and ended up going out. Chris and I broke up, he slept with this other guy. That hurt me, but I can;t imagine how it hurt him, all of this.

I would go up to Nottingham for weeks at a time, Chris driving me. It was horrible. I was so unhappy, and I knew Chris was, and I was jus tescaping. Mikey wasn't a sexual person, to a certain extent I would of said he was emotionally gay and physically straight.

I told myself time and time again, end it, but Mikey would cry, say his Mum and left him, and I saw myself in someone, and knew what it felt like.

We went on holiday to Canary Islands and he treated me like shit. Once, I sent a text message by mistake to him, meant for chris, saying I loved him and wanted to come home, and Mikey beat me up.

Chris drove all through the night to get me.

Eventually, I ended it with Mikey, THANK God. It does turn my stomach now, all of it, Him, everything.

Most of all, hurting Chris, I know it sounds weird, but I did to him what I most feared happening to me.

Anyway, we got back together.

I honestly felt we were meant to be together...I still do, or I did. Its hard to work out.

I was put on anti depressants, and promised counselling. I haven;t had it.

Chris is at the end of his tether with me, I think thats it now. I am so scared, terrified of loosing him.

I am scared of going outside, I talk to NOONE except on MSN...I have no friends.

I made an account on this website, because I wanted SOME sort of attention, anything. Anything it better then nothing. It made me feel even worse. I deleted it now anyways.

I even did things like make youtube videos as this character, just to get some kind of attention. That makes me feel really pathetic.

I talk to people alot of MSN, its nice in a way as they do become like online friends. I have a few I talk to alot, Kynon, Debs, Lucy.

Chris is angry at me because he thinks I am seeing a guy called David, like how it started with Mikey. Hes gone through my accounts and things. That hurts, I know he doesn;t trust me...don't blame him, but I feel exposed all the time, no privacy or anything.

Hes gone through my phone bills, and texted or called David, and things I am texting late at night and when I first wake up. Thats riubbish. David works nights and thats why he is on MSN in teh day, same time as me. Thats how we got chatting, because no one is on my msn in the day! Its always in the evenings.

Anyway, he texts people when hes at work, and I texted him a few times, this was only over a week or something. And I reply to him in the morning if he texts at night while hes working ,thats IT. Its frustrating because I can;t have friends, I know if I made a friend on the net, I couldnt meet them.

Its like this guy Russell, he lives up the road, there is nothing between us, but we chat cos he works in the day and goes on msn. I could be friends with him, but it wont ever happen.

I have done wreong things, alot. I made an online account, and put rude things, so I could get more attention. BUT all I got was old men and weirdos.

Like I said, I don't even feel Im part of this thing called life, I really dont.

I feel like I have been thrown out of the loop, its horrible.

Anyway, today was a bad day. I wanted to dump some of this stuff thats all in my head.

God knows what is going to happen later, I am scared of when Chris comes back, He has changed so much, he really has. I know hes had enough of me.

I WISH he still loved him, would just come up and put his arms around me, kiss me on the lips and say "I love you".

I guess this is all my own doing. I don't know. I feel like he did help create who I am now. Im scared to go out, scared to meet people. I went to the shop Friday without my comfort jacket and phone, and walked ito town, and THAT was an achievement for me...how pathetic.

I wish you were a real person...so you could give some kind of opinion. Nevermind.

I am going to try and keep my head above water. I have my tablets. I am going to try and do some self therapy somehow. Who knows. I know I can't go on like this, coping like this, because its not working.

Sometimes I wish the ground would open and swallow me up and I just disappear. Today is one of those days, but so is everyday for the past year or so.

I feel so lonely. Really lonely. I just wanna be happy, is that so hard? I want Chris' love and help, and support. Thats all I want. No money, just love, support, and cuddles. Then I won;t need anything else. I WANT to make friends, I NEED to.

I guess I should go. I have cried for ages and I am exhausted. I am going to have a lie down.

Bye xxx